Billy Mays Apparently High On More Than The Products He Sold

Funny story written by Bureau

Saturday, 8 August 2009

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"All For Just $19.95!"

According to an API release, an autopsy shows that cocaine use helped to contribute to wildly excited TV pitchman Billy Mays death last month, officials announced Friday.

The late night familiar figure info-mercial king died of a heart attack in his sleep after going to bed at his Tampa condo the night of June 27. His wife said that she had found him unresponsive the next morning.

Friday, the Tampa Bay medical examiner's office stated that Billy Mays died from heart disease, but that cocaine use was a contributing cause of death. Mays had last used cocaine just days before his death, perhaps just before his most recent info-mercial, the report stated.

Many of his customers who say they were screwed by purchasing his products planned a march in Washington DC or at least, Tampa after hearing the news.

"Here he was all excited over his beep beep beep products and my wife ordering them and now we got an attic full of junk and we find out the real reason the guy was always all excited" yelled one irate husband.

"Don't blame the wives. You husbands fell for all those new gadgets also. I know, because all my late husband left me and the kids was a garage full of the stuff. Harold did away with himself after hearing the cocaine news. He couldn't handle the truth!"

"Somebody needs to check out the members of that crowd that was always applauding all wild-eyed", suggested another.

One thing everyone agreed upon was that Mays was a great salesman and because of this, will all probably become cocaine users in the near future.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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