Written by Bureau

Friday, 17 July 2009

image for The Late Billy Mays Replacement, Al Gore Not Working Well
"The...Awesome..Auger..Is...Just..The ..Thingy...Thing! YAHOO. Ahem.

The late Billy Mays TV salesman's successor, Al Gore is simply not working out according to Info Products, Inc. manager, Larry Fine.

We've still got all the amazing zowee products that everyone MUST have to make their miserable everyday lives complete but Al is just not reaching them, even when he raises his voice to a louder drone."

Apparently Mays, who was in mid production of The Oxycoffin got into the role just a little too much and popped off before completing it.

"Oh we've had a lot of odors..orders for that one just from the people who attended Billy's funeral and word of mouth by local undertakers, but Al Gore, whom you would think would be perfect for selling coffins, has not delivered, unless you count the number of people whose family's ordered after their loved one was bored to death by the Al Gore Infomercial."

"Listen to Al's performance last night:"

"Hello fellow earthlings. In the amount of time we have on this earth, short as that might be, you could be a lot more comfortable by ordering our products. Over here's the Hercules Hook, the Mighty Putty, the Mighty Mendit, the Handy Switch, the Steam Buddy, the Awesome Auger, the Liquid Diamond, the Samurai Shark, the Big City Slider, the Fix It, Liquid Diamond, the SQV Ultimate Ladder, the OxiClean, the Kaboom, the Orange Glo and finally, my personal favorite, the Oxycoffin.

Look them over as I'll let the camera cruise by slowly while I go over here and prepare to show you just how global warming....I mean, of course, the Oxycoffin will cut down on odors should your loved one...or yourself...should heavily rot before anyone finds your body once the oceans begin to rise...''

"SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF! Do you see what I mean?'

A camera shows the studio audience where a few hardy souls are still awake and one has actually passed away from boredom, but one catches two of those still awake slapping themselves hard and two have false open eyeballs over their lids. Products they bought from Billy Mays.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Billy Ray Cyrus




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