Van Halen Sues John Kerry

Funny story written by Lorenzo Lee

Friday, 9 July 2004

Los Angeles, CA (AP) - Lawyers of the hard rock band Van Halen have filed a suit in federal court to block the use of the song "Right Now" in John Kerry's political campaign.

The members of Van Halen are claiming $US 1 million dollars each time the song is played during Kerry's campaign stump. Van Halen wrote the haunting anthem in 1991 for its album F.U.C.K. (For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge).

It can be noted that Kerry is using the song "Right Now" during each of his campaign stops.

Van Halen, recently reunited with Sammy Hagar, 56, is currently on a reunion tour that has not quite sold out arena seats completely. Guitarist Eddie Van Halen has just recovered from tongue cancer and hip replacement surgery.

"We're really in it for the money," Van Halen said frankly, "and now this Kerry guy, who owns the ketchup farm, seems to be the ticket for us back. He owes us millions in back wages!"

"We really don't give a s . . t about our fans who've been waiting for us to reunite after 8 long years. We want the cash and we want it RIGHT NOW!" claims Hagar, while swigging some Geritol based tequila.

"At least Bush is going to pay for the use of one of our other songs," drummer Alex Van Halen says. "He's going to use the song 'Jump'."

As of the moment, Kerry was unavailable for comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more