Simon Cowell Hates His Erections When Lambert Sings

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Tuesday, 23 June 2009

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American Idol's and Britains Have Talent's crankiest, most mean-spirited judge, Simon Cowell, has admitted to reporters outside of Hollywood's Massey's Theater that he has been in therapy for several weeks to deal with "My strange cravings while Adam Lambert sings. I get so excited I'm actually bubbly and sound like some of those blond actresses."

Cowell, who recently gave Lambert a standing ovation for his rendition of Tears for Fears' "Mad World," and having his erection overturn the judges table, said "there is something badly wrong with me. I'm no longer a grouch. I actually caught myself stopping and smelling someone's bouquet backstage. Well, actually they were from me to Lambert. I really don't know what's come over me, but it has to be stopped and as soon as possible."

Another Idol judge Paula Abdul was the one who suggested that Cowell seek professional help for what she called "completely out-of-character niceness and positivity. That, according to my contract and I have it right here, is my job. Simon is a mean-spirited, negative, permanently pissed person, and that's why we love him...again, according to this contract. I can't work with this sweetie pie sitting to my left, it's throwing me off my own character."

"I couldn't agree with Paula more for once, although she's a completely ridiculous person, an airhead with boobs" stated a badly shaken Cowell. "I mean, what is that horrific metal on your outfit, part of a chastity belt?"

"Sorry, but it's meant to be a joke. At this rate I'll have to retake the Leona Helmsley Course In Nasty all over again. No, that's being much too generous. Now why can't I say things like that about Adam Lambert?

"ADAM LAMBERT IS A FREAK! No he isn't. Oh what IS happening to me?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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