Christ Offers Eternal Salvation to Miss Californication

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Tuesday, 12 May 2009


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The Good Shepherd (above, center) says He forgives Prejean (below) for "straying from the flock."

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN - Well known by members of the Christian community for His benevolence, the Lord Jesus Christ has offered Carrie Prejean forgiveness for her sins, according to both Christ and the reigning Miss California. In addition, she has been offered eternal salvation as part of the deal presented by her Lord and Savior.

According to terms of the deal, rumored to be built on faith alone, Christ's forgiveness will be all-encompassing in breadth and scope. It will be almost as if, in His eyes, she had never competed in all those beauty pageants, vainly seeking to lift herself up so everyone could behold her beauty when she should have been glorifying Him.

Indeed, it will almost be like He doesn't remember her writhing, naked in bed, night after night, breathless with anticipation for the day she would be old enough to remove articles of clothing and pose provocatively for cameras, receiving money to be a masturbatory visual aid for millions of boys, men and random perverts everywhere.

In fact, He says it will be sort of like she never passed judgement on any particular group of people; or tried to use her position as a platform to pass along her own personal interpretation of His laws in order to advance political and social agendas that fly in the face of His own Word; or endeavored to promote social attitudes He described as "waaay Old Testament."

He says He has forgiven Prejean for these things because she has asked Him to. However, He emphasized that He is "as concerned as always" at the intolerance still demonstrated by so many people professing to be Christians.

"I love everyone equally, and I always have. Not just people beautiful enough to win beauty pageants. Not just people who are absolutely repulsed by the thought of same-sex intercourse. Not even just people who recycle and buy hybrids, trying to take care of the planet like My Father asked Adam and Eve to do in the first place."

He says, if you read about Him in the Bible, you will see He was always willing to accept everyone, no matter what, with no exceptions, as long as they accepted Him in return. He added, "But it really doesn't matter, anyway."

Christ declined requests to elaborate on this last comment, merely stating that we would "understand soon enough." He then excused Himself with a hint of regret, mentioning a previous obligation.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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