Letters Z and S appear on Jonathan Dross show

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 7 February 2009

image for Letters Z and S appear on Jonathan Dross show

The letters Z and S appeared on Friday's Jonathan Dross Show, to talk about their long-running and widely-publicised feud.

Z was the first guest to appear, and after plugging his new book - 'It ain't Ezee being a Zed' - the letter angrily denounced fellow symbol S. 'I've been around for over a thousand years!', he ranted - 'A bit like Terry Wogan', Dross read from an autocue to canned laughter - 'and yet S has disgracefully pushed his way into word-endings that belong to me, without the slightest protest! When will people start to criticize the interloper, S has been plagiarizing my words for centuries, and this must stop - now!'

'But Z', Dross said, 'you know, you're a bit difficult to use in words, aren't you? I mean, come on, Q or M are easier to work with, just ask James Bond!' [laughter].

'S has dumbed-down the great language of Chaucer and Cartland', the letter replied, 'the language of Shakespeare and Milton Keynes, and it's time to put me back in my rightful place at the end of long words, words that making spelling and writing such a joy', and with that Z left the stage to much applause.

'OK', Dross said, 'or should that be okay?[laughter]. 'Now we have another real treat for you, ladies and gentlemen, so please give a big welcome to - S!', and the second letter walked onto the stage, waving to D-I-Y show hosts B and Q in the audience, and the M and M actor twins beside them. 'Hi, S, as you know, Z was just here a minute ago and he wasn't too complimentary about you.'

'What a surprise!', S said, 'or should I say - surprize?!' [laughter] 'Well, Z was saying, not too kindly, that you had frankly stolen many words from him, and were appearing in more and more of what he thinks are his ones.'

'Z is a has-been', S replied, 'what does he want people to write? 'Zounds forsooth, my liege, 'tis verily an unwarranted pleasure to greet thee'? It's the 21st century, it's time for people to just use the easiest spelling they want - maybe Z will realise that, and stop criticising me!'

'Now, you also have a book out, I gather.' 'Yes, and it's called 'The Snake That Sounded Sort of Silly Using Z, and Fell Asleep When He Did, Zzzzzz'. [laughter] My book will outsell Z's whinging stuff, no problem about it.' 'And both of you are up for a gong at the LETTA Awards, aren't you?' 'Sure are, but it's me that'll be winning The Best Supporting Letter in a Suffix, just you see!'

'Well, thank you, S, and thanks also to Z for appearing on the show. And to play us out, here are the one and only - ABC!'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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