Hancock is Large at the Box Office, WALL-E Sees Shrinkage

Funny story written by Schmoker

Monday, 7 July 2008


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This was the question many confused moviegoers were asking themselves after seeing hanCock and WALL-E.

(La La Land, CA) - As expected, Will Smith's hanCock was enormous over the 4th of July weekend, yanking off $107 million from the box office in North America since its Wednesday debut. Pixar's previously priapic WALL-E deflated to half-staff, losing 48% of its audience from last week to finish in second place.

No matter what the story, how bad the reviews, nor how likely it was that the weird title would end up giving them an STD, Will Smith's fans came in droves over the weekend, lapping themselves up some hanCock as eagerly as they have all the previous offerings from the phlegmatic Fresh Prince.

"I was worried people might feel we had pulled a fast one on them by using a porno title for a comic book movie," said Smith during an interview conducted in between his saving a family of five from drowning off the coast of Cuba and rushing back to the United States to perform thoracic surgery with a pen knife at UCLA Medical Center.

"So, yeah, I was worried what my public would think. But god love 'em, no one seemed to care in the end that the movie sucked and Charlize Theron didn't."

Off a larger than expected 48%, the story of the cute-little-vibrator-who-could, WALL-E, collected an additional $33 million over the weekend, inflating its cume to $128 million over it's first ten days.

Considering that WALL-E opened much stronger than last year's Pixar smash, Ratatouille, the large drop this weekend was unexpected and could be due to a similar confusion moviegoers have experienced with the erotically titled children's movie.

"It's been a week now and the word is out," said WALL-E director Andrew Adamson. "People now know for certain that there is no actual sex in this movie. The phallic title actually stands for Waste Allocation Load Lifter-Earth Class. Once that became common knowledge, we obviously lost the entire perversion demographic."

But Adamson sees a bright side when it comes to WALL-E sustaining over the coming weeks even without repeat business from your normal walk-a-day perverts.

"Obviously any movie that appeals to children will still be able to attract your hardcore pedophile audience. We plan on a new advertising blitz in the N.A.M.B.L.A. Newsletter for the rest of July."

With strong marketing support such as that, expect WALL-E to manage to reach around $230-$240 before its run concludes.

Coming in third, the Angelina Jolie action pic Wanted slid a sizable 60% in its second weekend, although much of that was expected once Jolie entered a French hospital this past week.

"All of Angelina's children were at their mother's side over the holiday, so that's a lot of tickets we didn't get to sell," said Universal's spokesman Sydney Falco.

Wanted, the story of a skinny nerd who learns to kiss and kill alongside Jolie's hot hit-woman, can take comfort in the fact that teenage geek wish fulfillment always leads to lots of repeat business and great DVD sales. Already having exceeded expectations by pulling in $90 million in its first ten days, the film is hands down the biggest hit of any Angelina Jolie film in which she was the sole big name star.

Asked to comment on the unexpected popularity of the film, an obviously distracted Jolie issued this statement from her hospital bed in France:

"My tits are killing me!! If anyone has seen my breast pump, please return it to Brad."

With all the kids and perverts distracted by hanCocks and Wall-E's, Abigail Breslin's Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl took the gas pipe with only $3.6 million in its first weekend of wide release.

"We just couldn't compete with all the outrageous titles we had to go up against this weekend," said Kitt Kittredge director Patricia Rozema. "I should have listened to the men at the studio and renamed the film Kitt Kittredge: Kielbasa Queen."

Finally, Mike Myers' The Love Guru provided it's first registered laugh this weekend by falling out of the top ten completely in only it's third week in release.

Given the way The Love Guru has totally underwhelmed the country, it seems a near certainty that Myers next move will be to defibrillate the rotting corpse of Austin Powers in an desperate attempt to stay relevant.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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