(La La Land, CA) - A skinny Indian American director fights it out with a green version of Jose Canseco this weekend at the multiplex, as The Incredible Hulk and The Happening will both try and exceed middling expectations at the box office. This prompts two questions: who will win, and will anyone care?
Following on the heels of two monumental flops (Hulk, Lady In The Water), Marvel Comics and M. Night Shyamalan-Ding-Dong will try and right their respective ships this weekend with new releases of old stories.
The Incredible Hulk is a hip updating of that age old (2003) story of Boy Meets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Boy Does Green Steroids, Boy Smashes Things, Boy Gets Attacked by Psychotic Military Men Too Mentally Deficient to Be Sent To Iraq, Boy Fights Big Blue Steroid Monster Even Uglier Than Himself, Boy Gets Girl Back, Boy Accidentally Smashes Girl, Boy Feels Bad, Boy Gets Over It By Drowning Himself in Drugs and Strippers in Vegas.
With former wooden puppet Eric Bana having been replaced by petulant bad-boy-in-a-math-nerd's body Edward Norton, The Incredible Hulk will attempt to make people forget the 2003 Ang Lee gay super hero version, Brokeback Hulk, by focusing on the emotional angst and classic existentialism Norton frequently brings to his roles and his relationships with studios. Early tracking results show that The Incredible Hulk is going to be the #1 choice this weekend for teens who love to read Descartes in a corner while trying not to get beat up during recess.
Meanwhile, Fox Studios is attempting to draw in the sicko crowd by using ads that prominently mention The Happening as being Shyamalan's first R-rated flick, figuring that people will line up in droves to see total crap as long as they think there is a sliver of a chance they will get to witness exploding heads or liberal doses of pubic hair.
"We knew that we couldn't sell a movie on Night's name alone anymore," said Fox spokesman Baghdad Bob. "People felt burned by him the last two times out, much the way people feel burned when they accidentally point a flame thrower at themselves. So rather than focusing on a director people think is an egomaniacal one-hit wonder, we choose to focus on the always popular tits and ass potential of the R-rating."
Ads for the thriller have also focused on a shot of a man laying down in front of a lawnmower in order to commit suicide, creating anticipation for many that lead actor Mark Whalberg will do the same thing in what is hoped to be his final film.
Unfortunately for Marky Mark and Bruce Banner, they face stiff competition from second week surprise smash Kung Fu Panda. The Jack Black/Angela Jolie bestiality sex romp raked it in to the tune of $60 million last week and has shown no signs of slowing down, pulling in an additional $6 million per day this past week.
"I haven't seen a porno do this well since Deep Throat," said Adult Film Monthly critic Heather Swallows. "It's reaching that core audience group that spends a good part of each day imagining what it would be like to have sex with their pets."
So while it remains to be seen which film comes out on top this weekend, one thing is for certain: when it comes to reaching the kids, it's always a good idea to stick a shitload of sex and violence in your movie.