Written by queen mudder

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

image for Jesus was bastard spawned by Roman legionary Panthera says Basic Instinct director
Steve Martin will play Joseph, Vanessa Hudgens will be Mary and Borat actor Sacha Baron Cohen will play an adult Jesus

Hollywood - (Holy Ass Mess): Basic Instinct director Paul Verhoeven has written a new biography of Jesus which is guaranteed to get up the noses of the Vatican, celeb tabloid LA FagHagSlag reports today.

The book debates early church father Origen's (185-232 AD) claims that a thirteen year-old temple dancer called Mary was abused by Roman soldiers one of whom, a legionary called Panthera, raped and impregnated her.

Verhoeven is planning to make a movie of the new book and has provisionally pencilled in Borat actor Sacha Baron Cohen for the lead role of Jesus with Vanessa Hudgens as the young Mary, John Cleese as Herod, Steve Martin as Joseph and Tom Cruise as the rapist Panthera.

"The story's a helluva lot easier to swallow than some dumb holy spirit conception trash," Verhoeven said today ahead of the book's pre-launch party in Amsterdam.

"My research took me to the third century AD writer Porphyry Malchus (circa 233-309)," Verhoeven continued.

"This learned scholar said Jesus's illegitimacy was shrouded in spin because his mother's direct lineage from the Royal House of David had been compromised.

"He had a right to the Jewish throne that was occupied at that time by the satanic Roman-fellater Herod - a puppet monarch like the Nazi whore in England for the last 50 years.

"In the end he posed a far greater threat to the occupying Roman forces because a series of child sex abuse scandals in Judea had outed a covert Roman pederast soldiers' cult similar to the one run by latter-day fundamentalist nutter Warren Jeffs."

Sharon Stone is 69.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Jesus

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