Rumours of a forthcoming agreement in the ongoing Macca -v-Mucca Divorce were brushed aside by a spokesperson for bashful Heather Mills today. Actually, having fired
her lawyers and then fired her PR, she has now fired her spokesperson, so the 'spokesperson' was actually modest Heather herself.
"All I am after is enough to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed", she explained. "No-one can tell me that £50m per year for the rest of my life is
unreasonable?" she announced to the stunned, waiting media.
Shy Heather, who has been completely underwhelmed by public support, is concerned that being the ex-wife of an ex-Beatle will make her a target for nutters and gangsters, the sort of people who will do anything for publicity and would love to be in the papers. Tireless charity worker Heather wants a round-the-clock bodyguard. "Help!," she is thought to have demanded, "I need somebody".
Paul's fiancee from the 1960's, lovely actress Jane Asher, has never breathed a public word in over 40 years about the Beatlemania, the parties, the girls, the drugs and the heady world tours. This dignified silence has prompted timid Mills, a legend in her own mind, to think of selling her story to the Stockport Gazette. The bidding war has already reached the dizzy sum of a sock and a boot.
A Divorce Court employee, who wished to remain anonymous, leaked details of Fab Paul's proposals to the press. Reportedly, in an effort to resolve the matter swiftly and amicably, animal-rights campaigner Paul is willing to offer Heather;
- autographs by some members of Wings
- a Linda McCartney Vegetarian Cookbook.
- a CD of Paul's "Off the Ground" album.
- videos of 'Magical Mystery Tour' and 'Give My Regards To Broad Street'
- a nice fake-leather shoe.
Mr Justice Bennett, presiding, was overheard to describe the proposals as "on the generous side" and, with a conclusion looking imminent, the hearing is though to be into it's final leg.
However, Paul's generous, additional offer to "stump up some cash" was met with hostility by the usually unassertive Heather, who was described by a witness as 'hopping mad'
Heather's father recently claimed that after the Divorce is finalised, his humble daughter may move abroad. "Now I need a place to hide away" she is thought to have told him.
"I'll drive her to the airport", a nearby crowd of hundreds are alleged to have shouted.
A spokesman for Paul McCartney maintained a dignified silence. A spokesperson for Heather Mills, who was in fact Heather Mills herself again, said "Money, that's what I want!", but it's possible she may have just been singing, as she drove off hurriedly from her parking space, which was right outside the Court's doors.
The hearing is proceeding.
