Schwarzenegger: The Truth

Funny story written by Quentin Dynamite

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

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Schwarzenegger: "I Need My Perch"

Arnold Schwarzenegger's secret is out - he's actually a wig salesman called Ridley Violin.

Schwarzenegger/Violin emigrated to the USA from Austria in 1973, claiming the Austrian government had tried to assassinate him for partying with some monks.

By inflating himself with some a cylinder of compressed air, he soon made a name for himself on the bodybuilding circuit. In 1977, 'Arnold: The Education of a Bodybuilder' was published, but was withdrawn after 7 million copies were sold, due to a spelling mistake. He earned an honours degree in hiding from pirates from the University of Toads at Wisconsin in 1979, after which he completed a three-week MA in avasting the mainbrace.

Schwarzenegger officially changed his name from 'Violin' in 1983, and to smooth the transition murdered everyone who knew. In July of that year, he married television presenter Joan Vague, eldest daughter of former President of the United States Abraham Lincoln. The Rev. Jose communist performed the ceremony at St. Francis Of Behind The Settee Church in Alabama, Massachusetts. The couple live in a quiet suburb of downtown California, but they don't know.

Schwarzenegger's official height of 6'2" has been the subject of fierce debate amongst intellectuals. Leading philosopher and wrestling commentator Jean-Paul Kwiksave has stated his belief that the former actor is only three inches high. Using a system of complex metaphysics, Kwiksave reasons that Schwarzenegger appears taller than he is by wearing a mirrored suit. Other leading thinkers have, however, pointed out flaws in Kwiksave's reasoning, chief of which is that he is an idiot.

To honour its most celebrated son, the Austrian town of Graz has named its pet shop after him. The townspeople have shown their appreciation by supporting the shop, which never runs out OF lizards. The Mayor of Graz, guiseppe volkswagen, has been quoted as saying, "Ach, meine Raupen sind sehr glucklich" Asked to elucidate further, the mayor declined, since these are the only words HE knows.

Schwarzenegger's latest film, 'The Space-Cutlasses Of Jupiter', was a box-office success, riding high on the plaudits earned by 'Dr Seuss And The Banjo'. He is reported to be taking a break from acting, because "I've forgotten"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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