After Failing With "Save the Dolphins, Save the World," Hayden Panettierre Finds New Cause

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Monday, 5 November 2007

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Hayden has something else that you'd like better for dinner

In Japan last week, Heroes actress Hayden Panettierre was unable to save a group of dolphins from becoming dinner. The 18 year old and a group of protestors were beaten back by fishermen with poles and hooks when they tried to save a pod of the intelligent sea mammals.

When she reached the shore and cried in the surf, her breakdown was then filmed by local paparazzi and has played continuously on the internet. The photographers moved in closer when she removed her black scuba suit to reveal a tight, blue bikini underneath. These actions prompted the young cheerleader from Heroes to come up with a new campaign.

With the help of diet guru Richard Simmons and a large group of Hollywood starlets (including Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Madonna, and the surviving family of Priness Di), Panettierre will begin promoting "Eat Reporters, the Other White Meat."

Quotes from Hayden's press release on the new diet include:

    "Since these people are obviously chickens and act like a bunch of turkeys, their meat should have the same vitamins as poultry."

    "Studies have found that paparazzi are low in fat due to their running to take pictures of anyone having a breakdown or personal moment."

    "As most in the industry think these people are assholes, try a rump roast! It's great for Sunday dinner with the family!"

    "Introductory Special: Buy 10 pounds of journalist steaks and get a piece of the camera that took the famous Britney's vagina picture. It comes mounted on an oak board suitable for display on any wall in your home or above the mantle."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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