Cannibal: "There Was Nothing Else To Eat In The House"

Funny story written by tzdan

Sunday, 28 October 2007

image for Cannibal: "There Was Nothing Else To Eat In The House"
The microwave oven where the leftover victim was allegedly re-heated.

LOS ANGELES - An unemployed, aspiring actor was arrested by Los Angeles City Police on Saturday after suspicions that he had cooked and eaten his roommate were confirmed by investigators.

David Hassel offered the following explanation when asked to divulge the motive for his grisly binge: "I was really hungry and there was absolutely nothing else to eat in the house."

Police confirm that Hassel, 28, has admitted to cooking and eating his roommate, aspiring hand-model Chris Toff.

Hassel continued by saying, "All we had was barbeque sauce and noodles, and I was just dying for something fleshy to eat. I need protein to keep this buff Hollywood physique. I was really just too tired to go out and get groceries, and I didn't have much money either. I haven't had much work since Spiderman 3."

The search for the missing Toff began early in the week when his girlfriend, Penny Cruise, contacted police, claiming that he had gone missing.

Investigators began searching the apartment of Hassel and Toff for clues as to the whereabouts of the missing man when they stumbled upon a grisly clue - a gnawed human finger slathered in barbecue sauce. The finger was later identified as Toff's from close examination of the distinctively manicured nails and well-maintained cuticles.

The victim, Toff, was best known for his work in television ads displaying bottles of Bull's Eye barbeque sauce. Between sobs, fellow hand-model Derek Lander lamented the loss. "This truly is a dark day for hand-modeling. Poor Chris, he had more talent in his pinkie than most have in their entire palm."

Hassel, the accused and an aspiring actor, was also working on a screenplay entitled Donner Dinner Party at the time of his arrest.

"This may prove to be a bit of a stumbling block in David's career," said Debby Lane, Hassel's agent. "He gave a real gutsy performance in Spiderman 3 though, and this shouldn't slow him down too much. I've already gotten calls from Universal about casting him as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of The Lambs 2. They say he's a natural for the part."

Though currently unemployed, Hassel had previously created some buzz in Hollywood circles with his gripping portrayal of Terrified Onlooker #2 in the summer block-buster Spiderman 3. Despite the optimism of his agent, sources say he man not be seen on the silver screen any time soon.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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