In yet another case of mankind developing technology that exceeds its collective wisdom to manage, Lethal Weapon star and emerging director Mel Gibson was today, accidentally, transported to 4 B.C. Gibson's "encounter" with Jesus (last name unknown) is almost certainly going to screw up the time-space continuum according to numerous physicists, and church spokespersons.
According to eyewitnesses, when the "high priests and Roman authorities" began physically abusing Jesus, Gibson leapt into action, using 20th century martial arts to kick the living shit out of the Sanhedrin. Bloodied and bruised, Pontius Pilate and others decided to let Jesus go rather than face another round with Mel. Jesus reportedly left Jerusalem to receive spa treatments in Samaria claiming he was "all worn out" and repeatedly muttering "that's not what was supposed to happen."
Scientists at Industrial Light and Magic reportedly created the time travel machinery in order to achieve "Considerable set and wardrobe savings by transporting actors and actresses back to actual historical periods" for filming period pieces. According to R&D director Steve Sullivan, "Normally, we use hidden cameras and microphones to avoid disrupting history. Actors and actresses are transported in garb appropriate to the era. Transporting Mel, in blue jeans, complete with sunglasses and Nike's was a major screwup. He should have known better than to interfere."
Frequent Gibson co-star Danny Glover reportedly groaned when told of the fiasco. "I'm a devout Protestant, you see, and the Wycliffe people, the history professors, the Gideons, the Pope and everybody else is gonna have to spend the next two hundred years re-writing the gospels 'cause of this." Thomas, one of Jesus' disciples, interviewed at the scene, was positively giddy, "I'm finally off the hook for all that doubting stuff. What a relief."
The use of time travel equipment to reduce production costs was immediately outlawed by the FCC, which itself, apparently, had been attempting to determine whether the same type of equipment could be used to go back in time and put a bra on Janet Jackson's exposed breast during her recent Superbowl "performance."
Interviewed after the donnybrook, Gibson is reported to have said, "You can't make anybody happy if it's got anything to do with religion, can you? The Christians were mad at the Jews for two thousand years for killing Jesus. All the Jews were mad at me for making a film that blamed them for Jesus' death, claiming I was anti-Semitic. So I save His life, and everyone's still mad at me. "I think I'm gonna become an aetheist."
Copyright WHN 2003
