MI5 handlers are reportedly furious that top secret agent James Bond has been caught with his pants down on the job with his crusty boss Dame Judi Dench (also known as M).
Bond, who keeps changing his accent, height, age and hair colour, has a formidable reputation for seducing women of all nationalities and observers have expressed shock that he should be remotely interested in Dench, who is many years his senior and is reported to have originally shown contempt for his no-nonsense style of dealing with villains and beautiful women.
The romance was caught on camera by one of our reporters hiding behind a sofa in Dench's up-market docklands apartment. The couple kissed, then went into Dench's bedroom, from where loud grunting noises were heard for 30 minutes before our reporter left, fearful of being caught and desperate to find a bag to vomit into.
Our reporter contacted the Director-General of MI5, Jonathan Evans, who denied that he had any employees by the names of "Dench" or "Bond", alleging:
"Dench is an actress who plays a fictional character. Bond is a fictional character."
However, as Mandy Rice-Davies, the trollop at the centre of the 1960s Profumo spy scandal said:
"Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?"
Both Bond and Dench were unavailable for comment. Bond's whereabouts are unknown and Dench is believed to have assumed the name Miss Matty Jenkyns while undercover on the Cranford Chronicles Operation.