Written by TedG63

Thursday, 7 June 2007


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image for Jesus Opens Film Studio in Massachusetts

Hollywood executive David Kirkpatrick has teamed with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to produce movies, and they plan to build a studio in Massachusetts.

Kirkpatrick appeared without the usually reclusive Jesus at the press conference announcing the partnership.

When asked how the partnership began Kirkpatrick related: "One day I was driving in Los Angeles in my Hummer and Jesus was behind me in his Hybrid. I guess he saw my 'Jesus is My Co-producer' bumper sticker and he flashed his lights at me, I pulled over, and we made the deal right there on the side of the road."

When asked why they wanted to center this project in Massachusetts, home of the country's only legalized gay marriages and the birthplace of the Catholic Church sex scandal Kirkpatrick said: "That's what you get when you hire Judas as your location scout."

The pair will concentrate on making faith-based movies with a few horny teens coming of age flicks to fill the coffers. Kirkpatrick refers to the films as "spiritainment" that will "please God," who, reportedly, found the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie "less than satisfactory."

The two are already producing their first films, one, a Christian teen thriller called "Dudleytown," about a nice Christian boy who comes to a town full of Jews where communion has been outlawed. It was described as "Footloose," without the dancing. The movie is called "Dudleytown" because the working title, "Hemietown," is still owned by the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

The second movie is "Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt" which was described as a Hope and Crosby style road picture with Justin Timberlake in the Bing Crosby role and Matt Damon up for consideration as Jesus. Courtney Love is also on board as Timberlake's love interest. "We thought we would have an easier time with Jesus' love interest," Kirkpatrick said, "because Jesus loves everyone. But Jesus insisted on Jessica Biel, whose salary we did not feel we could match. We argued, and I said, who died and made you king, and he said, well, actually I did, and, well, there's no arguing with that."

The pair has founded Good New Holding to focus on entertainment for the Christian community. While they discussed a sequel to the wildly successful Mel Gibson film "Passion of the Christ" to be called "Passion II: Crucify Hard With a Vengeance" talks between the producers and Gibson fell apart after Gibson's drunk driving arrest last year where he, after his arraignment admitted that "some of my best friends are Jewish."

They plan to reach the Christian audience through the internet, books, television, and the use of Mobile phones. From his retreat Jesus has already begun texting high school students messages such as: "Hi: Ths is Jss, cut that sht out or ur gng to hll."

Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick is working to expand tax incentives for movie companies to ease the way for Good News. Patrick said: "Look for a black man to be elected Governor of Massachusetts, you have to make deals with some less than savory biblical people, and now, to get out of that deal, I have to make a deal with these guys. I'm caught between a rock and an eternity in hell."

Eventually Kirkpatrick said he envisions the studio being surrounded by a hotel (The Iscariot), retail stores, (Zealots 'R' Us) and housing (so dust off those Jews Need Not Apply signs.)

"This isn't about religion, this is about business," Kirkpatrick said, then added "but if we drive out all the Jews and Queers, well you know, we'll take it."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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