He Has Risen: Pillsbury Doughboy, The New Messiah

Funny story written by TomFoolery

Friday, 4 May 2007

image for He Has Risen: Pillsbury Doughboy, The New Messiah
It's the sacred image of the Pillsbury Doughboy!

Minneapolis (Bakers Daily News)-Spread the good news! Spread the butter! Spread the margarine! He gave his life to save the world of its breakfast sins! And today he is risen, to sit at the right hand of the eggs and morning meat products! Rejoice! The Pillsbury Doughboy has come again!

Two days ago, it was widely reported that the erstwhile late bakery icon and all-around advertising oracle had "prepared himself" for the 'last breakfast.' The evidence is clear, however, that the crescent roll that was, the new Messiah IS!! Hark, out of the yeast, a new savior of bread is reborn. It's time to preheat those ovens and proclaim the bakery blessing.

Apparently, the fervent prayers of moms lamenting the lack of a quick-and-easy alimentary accessory, busy business people missing their on-the-go coffee companion, and grocers struggling to fill empty dairy shelves paid off. Days before the expiration date of the remaining 'dietary disciples' had been reached, a new and improved product line came forth in sacred delivery trucks to the delight of penitent palates from Paris to Palo Alto.

Leaner, shapelier and with even less trans-fats than before, the return of the 'Savior of the breakfast table' should mean happier mornings for millions of Americans who have been mourning the loss of the people's pastry Patron Saint. But the wakes can now cease. Once again, from coast to coast and around the world, joyous families can 'wake and bake' to their hearts' content, feasting on the crispy, crunchy crusader of the crust.

And, rest assured, this is no mere leftover from a bygone breakfast; no mere meal memorabilia. This is ordained to be the renaissance of the dairy case. Brighter packaging, more informative labeling and FDA-approved nutritional additives virtually GUARANTEE that the new Prince of the Pig-in-the-Blanket will bring joy and fulfillment to every meal, every day, across the land.

Let the revival begin! Let the cookbooks be opened and the recipes be restored to better than their former glory. Blessed is the new Pillsbury Doughboy, in the name of the fritter, the scone and the holy toast….AMEN!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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