Harry Potter and The Sex, Dugs and Rock and Roll

Written by Showtime

Saturday, 2 June 2007


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Harry Potter will learn new tricks - Such as how to roll the perfect spliff

Millionaire Author JK Rowling shocked fans last night by announcing her plans to "Sex Up" her award winning Harry Potter series.

The author said in a statement to the press, "It is mine and my publisher's belief that Harry Potter has gone far enough in its current incarnation. We feel Harry Potter does not represent a truly Modern Britain, and so we have decided to take the following measures in order to ensure the new book truly represents Britain as it is today."

According to Rowling, the following changes and updates are on the cards for her latest money spinner:

  • Hogwarts will be ditched as the setting for the novels. Harry and his classmates will instead be relocated to a London Council estate, where they will meet a variety of new characters, including Portia, The Wicth with a secret, and old Mr. Jenkins- he'll show you his wand if you ask nicely!
  • The character of Hermione Granger will also be changed greatly. I feel Hermione no longer represnets Female Teenagers on the whole, and so she will be impreginated in the First chapter of Book 7, and go on to develop a Crack Cocaine addiction, and possibly take up armed robbery to pay for her addiction.
  • Draco Malfoy will come out of the closet as a homosexual, as we feel Harry Potter as it currently is both unfair and bigoted for failing to portray at least one Homosexual character.
  • Several obligitory characters from "Ethnic Minorities" will be created, including a member of the Death Eaters who is also a suicide bomber, and Fatu, a Polynesian teacher who will teach Hogwarts students "The Ways of the Pacific".
  • All previous books will be translated into "Street Talk", in order to reach a wider variety of Briatins youth.
  • Finally, the wands the studnets use will be replaced by "Guns and Knives", in order to relect "Modern Britain".

Rowling has also promised a "saucy romp" each chapter, possibly including "hot girl on girl action".

In other Potter news, the soundtrack to the films, Harry Potter and The Banging Phat Tunes, will be released this Monday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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