Michael 'Wacko' Jackson has announced a new tour of Britain that will feature all the members of his singing family, and a few others that can't sing for toffee. The entourage will be called The Jacksons & Co.
It's been 37 years since the Jackson 5 last toured, and that particular round of gigs ended in tragedy when Tito, now 75, put on a bowler hat which became stuck, and remains perched on his head to this day.
Other members of 'America's First Family' to be involved with the tour are Jackie, Johnny, Jermaine, Marlon, Randy, Joe, Peter (who made King Kong), Millie, Reverend Jesse and General Stonewall, but not sister Janet. She can't be arsed.
Wacko, who was famously, some say amazingly, acquitted on child abuse charges in 2005, is black but pretends to be white by scrubbing himself each night before bed with a Brillo pad. He has an underwater ranch called Netherlands where he performs all day wearing clogs in front of children too young to be out of their parents' sight.
He has seven of his own children: 3 boys named Prince Michael, 3 girls called Paris Hilton and a chimpanzee dubbed Bubbles. He also sleeps with the chimp.
The tour, provisionally named The Comeblack Tour, will kick off in London on April 1st, and will then move into the Provinces, for it is there, in Northern Ireland, that the Jacksons have their biggest fanbase. Even here, though, dedicated fans probably won't have forgotten the child abuse allegations.
The Jacksons have been writing new material but, as none of it is any good, they'll be doing party pieces from their repertoire of ancient hits, including 'Don't Stop 'Til You Enough', 'Beat It' and Wacko's own personal favourite, 'Black Or White'.
Tickets for the concert opener in London's Hyde Park cost £250 to cover the cost of Wacko's future legal costs