Written by King David

Saturday, 2 December 2006

image for Jewish "Snowflake" Wins Christmas Costume Contest

New Orleans transplant and Jew, Alison Acorn won the annual Christmas costume contest in Durham today. Acorn, owner of the Durham Glitter Works, won the contest dressed as a Jewish snowflake. Imagine Phyllis Diller meets Swan Lake meets Frosty the Snowman meets an angel.

In a painstaking and somewhat expensive process, Acorn was up half the night with her seamstress Sara Clause drinking wine, discussing politics and designing her costume. When commenting on the mess in her dining room, Acorn said, "If you are going to be friends with me, you will eventually inhale a feather."

Apparently, being on four legs instead of two could be even more inconvenient since her two dogs, Hermes and Libertine, both named after Marti Grais parades, have been known to suck glitter up their snouts and make glittery poops.

Acorn created havoc as she walked down Durham streets this morning, causing many accidents. One boy was said to have run his bike into a telephone pole. Another man went into cardiac arrest. Only a Ku Klux Klansman could have been more conspicuously white walking down the streets of Durham this morning. Acorn stood out like a blister from a hot glue gun, or a snowflake on the westside.

Other participants in the parade were person's dressed as reindeer and wearing blaze orange hunting vests, a Viking ship made from a shopping cart and flanked by shields with the biomedical waste hazard emblem embossed on their sides, wild characters from a Dr. Seuss adventure and Britney Spears' vagina.

One time in New Orleans, Acorn says that she almost asphyxiated herself and her girlfriend, Tracy Beday who was riding in the car with her as the rubber cement that she used to glue the glitter to her shoes was not yet dry.

"That day I was a toxic waste dump to myself," she said. "I'm surprised we didn't get sick, especially since Tracy was pregnant at the time."

Alison will be on the David Letterman show tonight performing stupid pet tricks with her two dogs, Hermes and Libertine. You know what for.

In other news today, something new happened.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Christmas

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