Susan Boyle is still a virgin

Funny story written by Evil

Monday, 9 December 2013


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Doctors told her to adopt an orphaned boy, so she could start her family.

Susan Boyle has never been able to copulate with a man and after visiting the doctor she was told why. She was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome which prevents her from becoming sexually aggressive with men.

The diseases is a mild form of autism and affects social interaction and communication skills.

Boyle, now 52, suffers from strong sexual desires she can't satisfy because men are not attracted to women her age. Her inability to communicate with men for casual sex is causing her depression and desperation because she is unable to lose her virginity or have children.

As a child, Boyle experienced learning disabilities she was told resulted from oxygen deprivation at birth when her large head got stuck in her mum's birth canal. Doctors had to grease her head with pig lard to make it easier for her frumpy body and over-sized head to squeeze through her mum.

A year ago, she sought the advice of a specialist who determined she had an above average IQ.

"When I was a wee lass, I was told I had brain damage. It was the wrong diagnosis for someone so young," she told the Star. "I always knew it was an unfair label. Now I have a clearer understanding of what's wrong and I feel relieved and a bit more relaxed about myself."

Boyle became an overnight celebrity in 2009 when her audition for "Britain's Got Talent" went viral. In the clip, the modest church volunteer wowed a skeptical panel of judges, including Simon Cowell, with her rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Misérables."

After finishing in second place on the reality competition show, an "emotionally drained and exhausted" Boyle was admitted to the Priory Hospital, a psychiatric clinic in London. Cowell send her a letter saying she would have won first place if she had only wore a paper bag over her head.

She has since become a top-selling recording artist and also recently appeared in a small role in a religious-themed film as an old maid turned she devil.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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