Paula Deen Cooks at a KKK Hog Roast in Mississippi

Written by Samuel Vargo

Monday, 16 September 2013


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MERIDIAN, Mississippi - After making an emotional debut at a cooking show in Houston this past Saturday (her first public appearance in months), celebrity chef Paula Deen appeared Sunday at a Ku Klux Klan gathering near the Alabama border.

"It's sure nice to be among friends," Deen said with tears in her eyes as she poured 10-W-30 motor oil into seven or eight cast iron skillets, red and yellow flames leaping around their sides. "There's some real he-men in this crowd. And there ain't even a black dog in this hay're county. You boys be good now. I don't want to have to use my cell phone, call 9-1-1 and get Johnny Law to the rescue over hay're. By the way, there's some nice deer heads you have stuffed, hangin' on the walls of your KKK lodge."

Looking ducky in her quack-quack-quackity yellow outfit, Deen fried up about a hundred squirrels the KKK members had shot the previous day. She doused the skillets with generous flows of Jack Daniels whiskey, right from the bottle.

[Munching on the deep-fried rodents was but an appetizer for a hog roast which was held later that afternoon.]

Like the 1,500 people who gave Deen a standing ovation in Houston the previous day, the KKK members pounded on the tables and "Yee-Hawed" and shouted, "You Go, Mizz Paula!" as Deen hurriedly tossed squirrel carcasses from one cast iron skillet to another, as adept as a sushi swordsman or a Japanese samurai steak chef.

"That woman's got class," said a guy who only gave his name as Brutus Badass. "She's got some meat on her bones, too, and that's good. Real real good. And that yellow pants suit sure brings out the yellow and gray hairs on her fat head."

Because Deen has been an incorrigible racial-slurring blabbermouth, the Food Network nixed her cooking show, Smithfield Foods no longer uses her as its official celebrity endorser, and mega-monster retailer Walmart yanked all her products from their shelves. But she's been on the hot list of KKK celebrity speakers. And the boys certainly don't mind having her around, since she cooks up a storm whenever she's invited to one of their galas. And their bellies are bigger and more voracious than Deep South sinkholes.

At Saturday's appearance on the Houston cooking show, Deen showed how to make peanut butter pie. But at Sunday's KKK hog roast and bonfire, Deen not only demonstrated how to cook squirrel in cast-iron skillets, but also: how to roast marshmallows over a bonfire's flames, how to roast hotdogs over a fire (using sharp pointy sticks), how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, how to make an egg over easy, how to mix tuna fish with mayonnaise to make a tasty sandwich spread, and how to sprinkle around salt and pepper for seasoning. And as an encore, "git me a redneck girl" even showed the fellas how to gut a groundhog and then demonstrated how to properly peel roadkill off the highway without being hit by oncoming vehicles.

Right before the swine was yanked from the spit and carved up with a screaming chainsaw, one of the KKK members, with black shoe polish all over his face like Al Jolson and outfitted in servant-slave coveralls, rang a big dinner bell and hollered, "Come on and git it, massers! Time's a wastin' and that hog, it's done a-bay-stin'!"

"We're gettin' away from all that hate stuff in the KKK. We've done become a classroom for hungry guys who want to learn us how to cook for ourselves," Brutus Badass said as he scarfed down one of the deep-fried squirrel carcasses. "Ya'see, lots of us KKKs have big troubles keepin' a woman 'round - 'sept fer unz Mammas, a-course. So any little tidbit a'cookin' knowhow Mizz Paula kin pass our way, well it shore is 'preciated,"

Only seven attended Sunday's event, which rambled into Monday and was still going strong Tuesday (although Deen left with her check shortly after her cooking demonstrations). Eight were there, actually, if Deen is to be included. The local Cyclops-Dragon-Wizard Leader, who only went by the name Mr. X-Y-Z., admitted that the Meridian KKK Lodge felt obliged to Paula Deen for making the visit. So the beholden brotherhood bestowed on her a white sheet and hood with the logo: HEAD KKK COOK AND BOTTLE WASHER emblazoned on its fabric.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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