Rihanna Declared 'Fist Coozie' By Beatdown Magazine

Funny story written by E. Lee Zimmerman

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

HOLLYWOOD (CA) - Hot on the heels of Rihanna being called a 'fashion icon' in a UK-based lawsuit, the editors of Beatdown Magazine have bestowed the pop star with yet another honor: the number one spot on their annual Top 100 celebrities readers would like to beat.

"Rihanna should definitely be feeling the love," said Chip Barker, Beatdown senior editor for fan relations. "All Chris Brown did was pave the way. I tell you he's the victim in all of this. But Rihanna? She ought to feel like a queen."

The pop princess previously made headlines from the savage thrashing she suffered at the hands of her rapper boyfriend, but now those licks are paying off in spades. Rihanna's fan-voted title of 'Fist Coozie' finally dethroned GLEE's Jane Lynch from the high perch, a position she's held for three years consecutive.

"It takes a special lady to show Jane Lynch the door, that's for sure," Barker continued. "I mean … Lynch had the trifecta, you know? Tall, lippy, and blonde. All Rihanna's got going for her is that she can sing and not very well at that. But Beatdown readers have spoken, so who am I to second guess?"

Barker is quick to add that he hopes the six time Grammy winner will join him and his fellow editors in their Beatdown offices to receive the covet "Scarlet Band-aid," the trophy for recipients of his magazine's highest honor. The ceremony is scheduled for next week.

"Our people are trying to get in touch with Chris Brown's people to see if he'd like to be on hand to give her a fresh one with the paparazzi on hand," Barker insists. "That would definitely be something for the cameras."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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