Big Bird, beloved star of Sesame Street, countless licensing, films and books, was arrested in Beverly Hills yesterday after being clocked going forty miles over the speed limit, while on a foreign made red skate board. Stopped and apprehended by the police, Big Bird lashed out in a drunken and sexist tirade, accusing the police of being nothing more than Foster Farm chickens that cause all the trouble in the world with their twisted, sick, false advertisements, and that they were covered with lousy feathers to boot.
Father of thirty-two children, and counting, Big Bird also made sexist comments at one of the arresting female officers, referring to her as "hot beaks" and demanded to know whether she was an open range hen and interested in getting it on. Further vulgar innuendoes followed, saying that he owned Sesame Street, Rodeo Drive and all points in between, and that he would personally make shake and bake out of the four arresting police officers, but marinate then first in cat's piss. The complete record of the police report will not be released to the news media, as it is considered too inflammatory for the public to read.
Accused of a cover up, the police insisted that this was standard procedure. Big Bird's mug shot, reported to be worse than that of Nick Nolte, was also kept under wraps. That too was referred to as standard procedure for the protection of the public.
Dismayed by Big Bird's reaction - being such a beloved public figure - the police threw the fat boy into the back seat of the squad car, where he proceeded to relieve himself. He remained at the police station for six hours (to the relief of his wife; no little chick production that night) and was released on a one million dollar bail, posted by his publicist.
In the glow of a bright new sunny morning, word of the arrest spread throughout the world, and the question on everyone's mind: Is Big Bird's career roasted? A unanimous, YES, followed; which was immediately followed by a rambling, contrite and self-flagellating statement from Big Bird which added up to, "Gosh, I'm sorry. That wasn't the real me. I'm a jerk. See you at the movies."
Tha, Tha, Tha, That's all folks.
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