Written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 19 August 2012

LOS ANGELES - Russell Brand called up Ling Chow Rangoon with iRumors and told her that he wants her to let everyone know that he is sorry and really regrets his little recent indiscretion with Kat Von D.

He stated that he had no idea that it would cause his girlfriend Kate Gosselin to dump him.

The 37-year-old British comedian admitted that he still has tremendous feelings for Kate "The Great" in his heart, his soul, and in his groin region.

Brand told Miss Rangoon that the only reason why he even gave Kat Von D, 30, a second look was because she kept telling him all kinds of sexy things that she wanted to do to him and that she wanted for him to do to her.

He explained that at the time it sounded great but when they actually started acting out the ideas they fell as flat as Keira Knightley's chest.

Rusty, as Kate calls him, texted Mrs. Gosselin, 37, telling her that he is sorry and that he really and truly misses seeing her eight children and teaching them British words such as gobsmacked, cor blimey, bollocks, and rumpy pumpy.

He told Miss Rangoon that he enjoyed taking the Gosselin kids to fun places such as The Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo in Tarzana, Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills, and to Sawyer "The Needleman" Frazzlewater's Tattoo Parlor in West Hollywood.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I heard from a very reliable inside source that knows Kate Gosselin very well that she really misses Russell but she just cannot believe that he actually cheated on her with a woman who is covered with so many tattoos that she resembles a carnival sideshow freak.]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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