Curse of Arundel Castle has hexed Kristen Stewart say locals

Funny story written by queen mudder

Sunday, 29 July 2012

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Arundel Castle visitor Bill Clinton was another hex 'victim' outed shagging Snow White House intern Monica Lewinsky

Arundel, Sussex - A centuries-old curse inflicted on philanderers by the castle's first chateleine Mabel de Bellême has claimed its latest victim according to reports.

The murdered wife of Roger de Montgomerie, 1st Earl of Shrewsbury, Mabel was hacked to death circa 1079AD by a jealous sibling for instigating a hex on adulterers.

Last week that curse was the talk of town as Olympic Torch Relay supporters lined the streets and recalled how in early May Twilight star Kristen Stewart was seen posing with Charlize Theron beneath the castle's awesome ramparts.

The two-day photoshoot publicising their latest movie Snow White and the Huntsman saw the actresses flounce around the ancient castellated fort alongside Chris Hemsworth, who plays the Huntsman, and Sam Claflin, who plays Prince William.

Today Stewart's name 'is virtually mud' in the West Sussex town, the latest victim of unforgiving Mabel's spell amid relentless headlines that the actress has been caught cheating on Robert Pattinson following an affair with a married movie director.

"It's spooky what's happening in Kristen's love life we reckon," local historian Hermoine Butterbean told QM-NewsCorpse stringers this afternoon, "and looking increasingly as if Mabel's curse may have just claimed its latest victim.

"Check out the epitaph on Her Ladyship's gravestone, pretty damn prophetic if you ask me."

True enough a transcript of those words written on Mabel's mausoleum vault at nearby Chichester Cathedral spells out the inevitable:

Sprung from the noble and the brave/Here Mabel finds a narrow grave/She suffered a death of a thousand cuts/For cursing evermore the rampage of sluts;

Though slight her form, her soul was great/Twas only common tarts that she did hate/And hexed for eternity any philandering whores/Posing in Arundel Castle's famous outdoors.

An announcement last Tuesday said that Kristen Stewart broken up with long-time boyfriend and Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson after being outed as a love-cheat in an affair with Snow White director Rupert Sanders.

"Of course it means there's a serious question mark over the couple's scheduled PR appearances for November's premiere of the latest Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn Part II," Butterbean added.

"Still, no real harm done, considering it's not like we even have a cinema here in Arundel."

Other celebs who may have fallen foul of Lady Mabel's curse include Bill Clinton who stayed at Arundel Castle in 1995 and 1996 - shortly before being outed in a sordid, adulterous shagathon with Snow White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

Then last year the Duke of Norfolk was forced to quit the Castle's famous East Tower wing - which he was renting at a million squid per annum - following some disastrous matrimonial event that's seen him split from his wife Georgie 'Porgie' Gore.

The couple and their children have now vacated the ancient castle and are said to be renting 'something more modest and more suited to their means'.

The Earl of Ballybollox is 104.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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