News backing up from the celebrity waterwheel, today reports that yet another celebrity has popped his clogs, upon receiving the awful news that his wife - who was filming a Hollywood epic on location - had lost fifteen pounds in weight, put on a bikini, and frolicked in the California surf, flaunting her rediscovered figure and locking lips with her male co-star in a passionate embrace. Which was caught on camera by She-Male papparazzi.
"We're not sure who it is yet," SEN's head honcho, Buffty Ginslinger told reporters, as he slurped on a bottle of White Paintstripper in a skip somewhere off Shaftesbury Avenue. "But it's a bloody tragedy all the same. Is there no end to this injustice?"
Some sources report the deceased celebrity to be a 96 year old Hollywood heavyweight, who had married a nubile starlet 75 years his junior, although at this point, nobody appears to know quite who the deceased 'legend' actually is.
Or indeed, if he's actually dead, or how said situation came to pass.
If it happened at all.
Abacus Calculator, of the Bureau For National Statistics added credence to the rumours when he revealed that, the probability was 'reasonable to high', that an elderly celebrity with a much younger wife would probably have shuffled off this mortal coil.
"Statistically speaking," Calculator revealed. "There are 365 days in a year. Usually. But we won't go into leap years and stuff like that. And, as there are way more than 365 celebrities in the world, it's inevitable really that at least one a day is going to die. If they're old blokes who marry much younger women, the odds are even greater. The women 'go bikini' when they're working away from home, and are often papped locking lips with young co-stars, which can induce coronary infarctions in the elderly and vulnerable. Either that, or they shag the poor old buggers to death. So there's a good chance that the rumours are fact-based."
What a waste.
More as we get it.
