X-Factor: 13-Year-Old Rachel Crow Gets Sent Home Sobbing Uncontrollably, Nicole Scherzinger Is Booed, and Paula Abdul Wants A Raise

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 9 December 2011

image for X-Factor: 13-Year-Old Rachel Crow Gets Sent Home Sobbing Uncontrollably, Nicole Scherzinger Is Booed, and Paula Abdul Wants A Raise
Nicole Scherzinger is devastated at being booed by the X-Factor audience. (Photo by Josh Krajcik).

HOLLYWOOD - Well thanks to Rachel Crow, Nicole Scherzinger, and Paula Abdul, the combined team record for shedding tears that had been held by the team of John Boehner, Brett Favre, and Glenn Beck has been shattered.

The latest edition of X-Factor had more tears, crying, and outright sobbing than that Kardashian Christmas several years ago when brother Rob gathered up all of his sisters cosmetics and hid them in the trunk of his car.

Host Steve Jones, even slipped on the wayward tears and a stagehand reported that he had never in his life heard so many curse words with a British accent.

Simon Cowell, alias "The Sultan of Sarcasm" kept muttering that he was going to fire Nicole Scherzinger. He also at one point told Paula (Abdul) that he now wishes he had kept Cheryl Cole whom Nicole replaced after the first show.

Paula through lots and lots of tears told Simon that all of this stress, pressure, tension, and drama was just too damn much and she told him that she wanted a friggin raise.

Towards the end of action-packed edition of X-Factor or as stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree calls it The Hey I Got Your Stress Right Here Show, 13-year-old pint-sized dynamo Rachel Crow and 20-year-old Marcus Canty found themselves in the dreaded bottom two and both had to perform what Simon Cowell has pegged as "The Save Me" song.

Marcus sang first and he chose to sing the 1960s hit by Petula Clark "Downtown." And he really nailed it. He sang like he had never sung before. In fact he sang with so much intensity that he said after the show that his belly button (an inny) actually popped out half way through the song.

Rachel sang a song that had been a hit for the Baja Men called "Who Let The Dogs Out." And she too nailed it and added an interesting twist with the various bow-wows and ruff-ruffs that she cleverly scattered throughout the song.

Carolina Chipotle with Bedroom Pillow Talk noted that after the show a representative with the Alpo Dog Food Company, Rufus "Dog Chow" Flapdoodle met backstage with Rachel and her parents about having Rachel sing in a commercial for the dog food giant.

Sad to say, "Little Crow" as Paula calls her was so upset that she came very close to biting Mr. Flapdoodle on his leg.

On the Final Five X-Factor after Crow and Canty had each sung their songs many viewers (Rachel's fans) felt that with the judges score at two for Rachel and one for Marcus, that Scherzinger should have voted for Rachel.

Of course Marcus' fans felt otherwise. Nicole was crying and had a very hard time trying to decide. Her mascara was running and had actually fallen into her Pepsi glass. She had eye liner on her nose, eye shadow on her ears, and lipstick on her right knocker. She was able to say that she liked both "Save Me" performances and so she stated that the decision would end up being deadlocked.

So that meant that she was going to send Rachel home and so the judges vote would be 2-2 and now the decision of which of the two singers would be eliminated would now rest solely with the viewing public - the viewers.

And truth be told that is the way it should be otherwise why have millions and millions of viewers voting when the decision is going to be made by four judges.

So as Steven "The Whiz Kid" Jones remarked, the decision to send Rachel or Marcus home would now depend solely on which of the two had received the least amount of votes.

And when he announced that Rachel Crow would be going home, the little 13-year-old went ballistic. She began sobbing uncontrollably and actually fell to the floor. Steve whispered for her to get up but Rachel's sobs only got louder.

Her mother rushed up on stage to comfort her and Rachel's grandmother rushed up on stage to comfort her mother. Steve was heard whispering to Simon that he wishes he had a girlfriend.

L.A. Reid, just kind of hid off to the side not wanting to get his expensive suit messed up with the collateral damage from all of the teardrops that were falling like snowflakes in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.

And so the semi-finals of X-Factor will include Melanie Amaro, Josh Krajcik, Chris Rene, and Marcus Canty.

SIDENOTE: Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk asked Rachel backstage if she plans on watching the X-Factor semi-finals next week. 'Little Crow' replied, "No way, I am still extremely upset and I will instead be watching CW's The Vampire Diaries.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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