Royal Bank of Scotland confirmed as being run by lucky bastards

Funny story written by Steddyeddy

Thursday, 24 February 2011

image for Royal Bank of Scotland confirmed as being run by lucky bastards
Ron Poorhouse stares a fat bonus in the face

With the news that RBS bankers are to get £950m in bonuses despite making a £1.1bn loss and costing the country hundreds of millions in cutbacks as the country props it up, it was revealed today that the bank is is in fact run by complete lucky bastards and not by parasites, as most of the British public seem to think.

Speaking from a Post Office, one of the few to remain open, as he collected his weekly £6000 tax-free pension, a spokesman and former employee of the bank, Fred Shred said that while there can be no denying that he is a parasite, he is, to quote X-Factor judges, 1000% sure that the current recipients of bonuses are just simply "lucky bastards".

"They've still got a bleedin job, 'aven't they" he said in a fake EastEnd accent tinged with Scottish. "I'm out of work and just abaaht squeezin' by on little over £320,000 a year tax-free. No one can live on that!".

He went on to say that he should have really been collecting £12,000 a week tax free, but felt that in memory of the once great institution RBS used to be, and out of respect for the thousands of non-bonus receiving staff he had made redundant, he decided that he could just about squeeze by on £6000 a week. As a gesture. Plus two of his fingers held aloft in a reverse Churchillian salute.

Ron Poorhouse, a Big Issue seller from Birmingham wrote to The Spoof to ask if he throws away all his weekly magazines and claims they didn't sell, will Big Issue head office give him a bonus and will the Government increase his DWP support?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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