UK bankers confirm that they won't be taking big bonuses after all

Funny story written by Steddyeddy

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

image for UK bankers confirm that they won't be taking big bonuses after all
Part of the RBS Chief Executive's bonus for poor performance

Following a consultation with the government, which included a meeting with Chancellor Ozzy Osborne and the rather tall Business Secretary Dr Vince Price, the chief executives of the big four banks decided that out of respect to the rather large pile of dog poo the banks dropped the UK into, they have agreed not to take big bonuses this year.

The four chief executives, Jim Greed of Barclays, Oliver Grabcash of HSBC, Stephen Deadloss of RBD and Michael Flatulence of Lloyds/TSB have decided that rather than take a big bonus this year, they have no option but to take a HUGE bonus instead.

In particular, RBS chief Stephen Deadloss, who will pocket a £2 million bonus for 2010 said he owed it to the number of people RBS had directly or indirectly caused unemployment to. Owed it to himself to take his bonus that is, as he certainly wasn't going to give any of the thousands of redundant RBS employees any of his hard earned money for performing dreadfully.

Michael Flatulence of Lloyds/TSB will be consulting with soon-to-be redundant council workers in Manchester and other cities on how to survive on his 2010 £1.45 million bonus, which he has worked out, in the manner that got the country into so much trouble in the first place, is £1.3 million less than the £2 million being paid to Stephen Deadloss.

Jim Greed of Barclays is reported to be up in arms that his £9 million bonus for the year is not larger, and he will be sending out £29.50 overdraft letters to a random sample of a few hundred thousand customers to round it up to £10 million.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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