Big Oil: What Goes Up Won't Come Down!

Funny story written by TomFoolery

Wednesday, 7 September 2005

OIL RICH, TX - Closed-door sessions are underway with Big Oil rallying after the unexpected successful use of Hurricane Katrina as an excuse to raise crude oil and fuel prices to unprecedented highs. Now the game is on to see that they stay that way.

Like real estate, oil barons want to make sure that the price never goes back down to pre-Katrina levels, no matter what they have to do to keep them there. Figuring they can milk the closure of Gulf region refineries for at least a few more months, the real pressure is off, allowing plenty of time to line up other plausible circumstances to play them out strategically to hold gasoline prices-make that profit margins-steady.

"Having to contend with pressure from the White House and environmental groups calling for increased fuel efficiency standards in auto manufacturing, the old stand-by excuse of crude oil prices has lost its punch," an exasperated oil mogul who identified himself only as "DP-which-stands-for-Deep- Pockets" told SpoofNews recently. DP's sentiments are pretty much exemplary of his fellow profiteers who are much more concerned about their cash flow than our gasoline flow.

Petroleum practitioners and field engineers have already identified several locations along the Alaska pipeline that, over the course of the next several months, will experience "unexplained leaks, ruptures and blockages" which will-obviously-cause a slowdown in the production of essential fuels for US consumption, thereby allowing a reduction in the amount of gasoline reaching the pumps and heating oil reaching our homes. This, naturally, is accompanied by corresponding elevated price levels.

When that excuse has run its course, ole DP and his buddies are prepared to reach into their DPs and use a few million in pocket change to encourage an oil truckers strike, thereby temporarily stopping fuel distribution altogether. This is expected to carry us into next year. After that, severe winter storms have been scheduled, much like Katrina, to drive temperatures down to their frigidest ever, causing more fuel oil consumption, which in turn will trigger cutbacks to prevent shortages, and on and on…

Oil tycoons hear us grumbling at the pumps and that has them laughing all the way to the bank. So, while we're struggling to survive financing their lavish lifestyles, at the same time we face the grim reality of having to decide whether to make the monthly mortgage payment or put a few gallons of gasoline in the tank. Wouldn't it be a real kick in the ass if we actually DID deplete the world's oil resources?! Then who'd be on their knees? Why, old DP which would stand for Desperately Poor. Who knows, maybe some of us will live long enough to see that happen (fingers crossed)!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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