New Weight Loss Plan: The M&M's Diet

Written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 8 August 2005

image for New Weight Loss Plan: The M&M's Diet
M&M Mars believes that eating their signature candy can help people lose weight

Nutrition experts at candy company M&M Mars have released the newest weight lost method to hit the market: the M&M's diet. Selections from an interview with company spokesman, Skip Wiffleball, are listed below:

Reporter: "Thank you for meeting with us tonight. So, tell us, exactly, what is the M&M's diet?"

Wiffleball: "It is the results of many years study and research into a new, productive weight loss system. It combines everyone's love of chocolate with their desire to get their bodies into better shape. We believe it will revolutionize the industry and aid dieters everywhere."

Reporter: "Milk Chocolate is full of sugar and is universally considered to be fattening. How can it help people to lose weight?"

Wiffleball: "It is all in the way that the chocolate is used to help with the dietary requirements. Botulism is a severe poisoning, but people use botox safely for many elective and corrective procedures. It is all in the use and the amounts."

Reporter: "Exactly how does it work?"

Wiffleball: "We ask all of potential participants to choose a standard diet. They can go with the Adkins plan, the Pritkin Plan, the old grapefruit diet, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, or any of the thousands of other diets that are marketed and sold all over the country. You just pick the diet that is right for you."

"One of the reasons that many of these diets have failed for many people is that they feel that they are losing out on eating many of their favorite foods. Our diet used our product to replace these foods psychologically in the minds of the participant."

"Then, you purchase a small bag of M&M's from your local grocer or convenience store. With your diet stipulated breakfast, you also eat one brown and one orange M&M. This will replace, at least in your mind, your coffee, your bacon or sausage, your toast, and your orange juice. These are all items that are brown or orange. The caloric intake from two M&M's is so small that it is insignificant in comparison to the mental and emotional benefits of having your traditional brown and orange foods in the morning."

"For lunch, many of us stop at the local fast food place and grab a hamburger. We miss not having the greasy, fatty, burger and fries when we are forced to eat something that is supposed to be good for us. On the M&M's diet, we replace that hamburger and fries with a brown M&M to represent the bun, the beef, and the fries, a yellow one to represent the mustard, a red one to represent the tomato slice and the ketchup, and a green one to represent the pickle and lettuce. As with the breakfast, four of our candies will not add enough calories to work against the original plans of your diet. They will again, however, appease that hunger tradition of the Big Mac or the Whopper."

"For your supper, on most diets, you are no longer going to get the big steak and potatoes that you love. This is going to give you a feeling of the blues. At this point, you reach into your bag of M&M's and eat three of the blue ones. This conquers that feeling and gives you the quick energy needed to endure your bland, flavorless, "supposed to be good for ya'," meal."

"Our plan, then, just adds nine little M&Ms to your diet but aids your mental state to give you the strength to continue in your weight loss plan."

Reporter: "Sir, I don't want to sound negative, but it seems to me that you are simply trying to take advantage of everyone's love of chocolate, looking for ways to get around their diets, and the fad for weight loss. How would you respond to that?"

Wiffleball: "I've suffered through Adkins. I've gagged my way through the hard boiled egg diet. I've had a mouth full of sores from eating nothing but grapefruit for days on end. I'd have given anything for a handful of candy to keep me going. That is why we have this plan. We want to help the American dieter to lose weight happily."

Reporter: "If someone is interested, where can people get copies of your diet plan?"

Wiffleball: "We are going to include this on the back of all of our packages of M&M's. It will be right below the nutritional information.

Reporter: "Is there anything else people should know about this diet plan?"

Wiffleball: "Yes. Due to the new, significant nature of our plan and the normal prohibitive costs of other weight loss systems, the small bag of M&M's will now have a nominal price increase from $0.69 to $29.95."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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