Written by Ilona Ronay

Sunday, 18 July 2004

image for Canned by Slim-Fast, Whoopi Goldberg Vows to Promote New Diet
Pair This with Potato Blintzes to Lose Weight!

Los Angeles, CA--After being unceremoniously "canned" by Slim-Fast for her comments about the Bush Administration, actress and comedian Whoopi Goldberg has vowed to criss-cross the country promoting a new diet and stressing the benefits of an Afro-Jewish style (non-kosher }fusion diet.

"You know that stuff tastes really ugly anyway," confided Whoopi. "Now you tell me, what person wouldn't rather sit down to a big plate of fried chicken with a side of blintzes?"

Fired up by the re-realization that she is a black woman with a Jewish name, Whoopi has created a cookbook of "fusion" recipes that draws upon the best characteristics of black and Jewish cuisine.

"The first rule to remember is: no fresh vegetables," said Whoopi. "Frying is always the way to go. It's a well-known but little publicized fact that two fried items cancel each other out, giving you all the benefits of raw vegetables AND the ability to lose weight without any effort."

This means that the body of a person eating a serving of fried chicken and potato blintzes will respond as if the person has just eaten a plate of carrots and celery.

"That wouldn't be the case with fried chicken and mashed potatoes," said Whoopi, "because that's not Afro-Jewish fusion cooking. It's the fusion part that makes the difference by stressing cooperating in the body."

Other combinations highlighted in Whoopi's cookbook include chicken soup with chitlings, ribs with spaetzle, gefilte fish with buttermilk biscuits, and sweet potato pie with a zwiebach crust.

"The palate of your plate should tend toward earth colors," said Whoopi. "Browns, golds, tans, and creams are colors that indicate you are in the right food groups. If you have anything that is a vivid green, you're in trouble. Cook that spinach down, down, down. It's only there to remind you of those PopEye cartoons you used to watch as a child."

A Slim-Fast spokesperson said that the company would not comment on Whoopi's new direction in culinary arts other than to wish her well. "I just wish she hadn't sent back those 317 unopened cases of product COD," fretted one employee.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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