WASHINGTON, DC-A repentant and contrite-looking United States President George W. Bush has admitted that his Administration misled the world about the reasons for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and promised to tell the truth from now on at a well-attended, unprecedented news conference held at the White House.
Dressed in robes which revealed an unsuspected degree of spiritualism, Bush bluntly stated, "We did it for the oil. It was the crude, dude."
"All that nonsense about weapons of mass destruction and links to terrorism was just BS, mere propaganda for public consumption," added the tranquil looking Republican. "Jesus appeared to me last night and told me that I won't get into Heaven unless I tell the truth from now on, and make some big changes for the betterment of mankind. So here it is. I'm now very much at peace with myself."
Bush also told the stunned reporters that he had severed his links to the Texas oil industry and the military industrial complex, and pledged not to do their bidding any longer. He revealed that he's also given away all of his earthly possessions, including his properties and his wife.
"I've told them to go find another stooge. So what if they financed my election. My Administration will now give all of the government's money to the poor and the sick. We're gonna tax the bejesus out of the rich and the corporations. We'll stop driving developing countries into debt to increase US corporate contracts and income, and we'll lower our excessive consumption of oil, energy and our overall useless consumerism. We'll respect the environment and adopt the Kyoto Protocol. I'm also disbanding the Pentagon and the armed forces, so we can beat our swords into plowshares and revitalize the US and world economies with productive investments, rather than death, destruction and waste. Amen."
The transcript of Bush's dramatic press conference was quickly typed up and distributed to the shocked reporters by Morgan Truce, a member of the White House typing pool on loan from the Moxie Soda Pop Company.
But not everyone in the Bush Cabinet was happy with the about face in Bush's foreign and domestic policies.
"That crazy SOB has really done it this time," grumbled Vice President Dick Cheney at the back of the press room. "Why didn't he consult with us? Just because he thinks the Rapture is about to happen doesn't mean we should turn our backs on our friends in Houston and the Pentagon."
