After spending each day of their lives with a stopwatch stuck up their ass by management, Starbucks has ordered its barristas to slow down.
In 1985, The Coca-Cola Company replaced the original formula of its flagship soft drink, Coca-Cola with "New Coke".
Known as "the new taste of Coca-Cola" until 1992 when it was renamed Coca-Cola II, America gave the finger to New Coke.
The American public's reaction to the change was poor, and the new cola was a major marketing failure.
Top Pepsi executives got hold of a a smuggled preview six-pack of the new flavor, and laughed themselves senseless. Roger Enrico, then director of North American operations, wasted no time taunting Pepsi's older rival. He declared a companywide holiday and took out a full-page ad in The New York Times proclaiming that Pepsi had won the long-running "cola wars".
Amid customer complaints that the Seattle-based coffee chain has reduced the fine art of making now-sh-tty, overpriced coffee making to a mechanized process, they will now be making sh-tty, overpriced coffee that you have to wait 20 minutes for.
"Baristas are supposed to steam milk for each drink rather than steaming an entire pitcher to be used for several beverages," said the a--hole Starbucks executive who instituted the idea that'll eventually get him fired. "Other instructions include rinsing pitchers after each use; staying at the espresso bar instead of moving around; and using only one espresso machine instead of two.
"You have got to f--king be kidding me," said Adrian Smith, a 40 cup a week Starbucks fiend. "You want to help out the customers? Stop hiring the first person who applies for the barrista job!"
In similar news, CVS has announced that their clerks will be formulating each individual aspirin they sell, directly from willow bark.
"We believe the quality will improve dramatically, and it'll only add 4 days to a normal customer's wait," said a CVS exec.
"We agree with Starbucks new idea," said Seattle's Best Coffee, a direct Starbucks competitor. "In fact, I believe that Starbucks employees should begin doing 'The Chicken Dance' between cups of coffee, and they should call each female customer a 'crotch zapping torture box'. That'll ensure great quality. *Snickers.*"
"Following Starbucks lead," said McDonalds President Russ Smyth, hired back by the company after piloting the U.S.S. H&R Block into an iceberg labeled 'bankruptcy', as its CEO. "We're going to hang cows by the hooves directly behind our grill area, allowing our 'chefs' to saw off fresh beef for each and every hamburger."
"While the burger is cooking," said Smyth, just days before he f--ks up this company as well, "The chef will slice potatoes for french fries, and mix Coke syrup with seltzer for the drinks. #1 in quality, that's what we'll be."