A liquid hand sanitizer giant has reportedly released a sub-sect strain of the popular swine flu virus to the general public to make up for sagging fourth quarter sales projections.
The company saw their stock prices soar over the past year as the swine flu epidemic hypothetically infected millions of people.
Hotels, retailers, and offices alike all fashioned the dispensers in clear view to give off the perception of an anti-bacterial society that takes place beyond the gilded company doors.
"We have become aware of a situation of a mutated strain of the H1N1 virus, more commonly known as swine flu. This strain has been known to affect those who lack an external immune system or have a known defense mechanism for fighting off an air-born illness using just their mind. For those people, you should be fine. For everyone else, try our new Brand "Vaccine Strength Liqua-Gel" formula," said corporate spokeswoman Lisa Johnston.
"And for all those wacky, tin-hat wearing conspiracy theorists out there, of course we would not leak such a deficiency on the general public. The only profit we see is the health of our nation's people through the use of our tough, form fitting, easy dissolving anti-bacterial lotions that fight off 99.99% of diseases. That and around $100 million in projected first quarter earnings," she continued.
© 2010, The Lampoon Journal
