Organic Grocer to Sell "Straight Sanctimony"

Funny story written by Austin Turnip

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

image for Organic Grocer to Sell "Straight Sanctimony"

Boulder, CO - Organic grocer Whole Globe Foods has announced a new produce-free product called "Straight Sanctimony" to appeal to its customers who want to feel good about themselves, even though they don't like eating fresh vegetables or fruit.

"Straight Sanctimony is a revolutionary product," said Whole Globe's CEO Niles Lipscomb. "For only $3.50, a consumer can purchase a certificate congratulating himself for being an exceptional person entitled to unbridled feelings of goodness and self-worth."

Mr. Lipscomb went on to say that, "Our consumers have also been hit by the recession. It's hard for them to pay $6.95 for a pound of broccoli just to feel good about themselves, especially if they don't even like broccoli."
The Straight Sanctimony certificates are made of recycled paper.

Mr. Lipscomb noted that Whole Globe's associates are being trained on how to properly stock and maintain Straight Sanctimony. "Keeping it fresh is imperative. If sanctimony turns stale it becomes smug."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more