Dick Cheney Admits Carl Rove is Long Lost Bastard Son

Funny story written by Zako Strle

Sunday, 24 May 2009

image for Dick Cheney Admits Carl Rove is Long Lost Bastard Son

Dick Cheney, former Vice-President of the United States, admitted during an interview on Shepard Smith's "B Side" program on Fox News that Carl Rove, former George W. Bush's brain, was his bastard son.

Cheney revealed that Rove was born nine months after the Cheney family visited Knott's Berry Farm in California in 1950 where Cheney gained notoriety as "That Bald Fat Kid Who Won the Boysenberry Pie Eating Contest then Threw Up in his Father's Hat after the Stage Coach Ride."

Cheney, whose bald hairlessness and fatness made him look years older, was accosted while throwing up in his father's ten gallon hat after a bumpy ride on the Knott's Berry Farm Stage Coach by Ima Pig, an infamous adult stag film star, better know by her stage name "Fat Ass Sassyfras".

"I looked old for my age" and she approached me and said, "'Shouldn't you be doing that in the outhouse?' - and the rest is history."

Cheney went on to say that Sassyfras escorted him to the outhouse where she proceeded to "Lick boysenberry off my bald head and have her way with me."

Cheney said he couldn't really enjoy the experience because the outhouse stunk pretty bad, Sassyfras was on top, and he was afraid that the rickety wooden shack would collapse since it was shaking like an "Earth Quake Reaching 6.9 on the Rickter Scale."

After the experience, Sassyfras and the Cheney family spent the balance of the day panning for gold together in the Knott's Berry Farm creek, then exchanged pleasantries and parted ways.

"But not before she and my parents exchanged addresses. They were quite taken by her and she sent me Christmas and birthday cards for years to come," continued Cheney.

The family was surprised when they received the Christmas Card for 1951, which showed Pig holding her one-year-old illegitimate son, Carl, who was born on Christmas Day, 1950, exactly nine months after the family's trip to Knott's Berry Farm.

"I did notice the resemblance - he was drooling, fat and already bald, just like me," said Cheney, "But I was too naive and bad at math at the time to put two and two together. After all, my father never told me about the birds and bees, so I really didn't figure it out until about my sixth year of college."

Pig had to give the baby up for adoption because he was putting a damper on her lascivious lifestyle.

Cheney didn't actually meet or have a chance to bond with Rove until they both ended up on Former President Nixon's staff together.

"I knew when we ended up on Nixon's staff together that there was something special about him, but I didn't put my finger on it that we were family until our Watergate dirty tricks experiences together," snickered Cheney, his face flush with chagrin as if all the excitement of talking about his and Carl's relationship made his pacemaker skip a beat.

Cheney refused to comment when Shepard Smith attempted to probe more deeply about putting his finger on the "Watergate Dirty Tricks Experiences while on Nixon's Staff" and Cheney went on to say that Smith's homosexual overtures were not welcomed and that he should keep his hands off his son Carl.

When asked why he didn't make the revelation sooner, Cheney said that revealing the information during the Bush administration would have "Made America unsafe and given the terrorists the upper hand."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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