Written by Jon Hollander

Saturday, 7 February 2009

image for 'Ben & Jerry's' Announce Banana Split
See you sundae.

Another blow was dealt to the global economy today when ice cream giants, Ben from Ben & Jerry's, and Jerry from Ben & Jerry's, announced that the company was to split following failure to negotiate mutually accepted terms. In a joint statement the two declared in unison:

"The split is both mutual, and amicable, there are no hard feelings between us as businessmen or friends. We just believe that the time has come for us to part ways."

When questioned over the fate of their company, Ben from Ben & Jerry's chose to speak for them both.

"Our ice cream is like our children and we have explained to all our brands that the collapse of our partnership is not their fault, and we love them very much. After a brief period of upset we believe that our flavours will be cheerfully manipulating us into fighting one another, and bribing them for love.

"We have negotiated what we feel is a fair, and equal divide of our possessions," Jerry added, "we are splitting everything right down the middle, fifty-fifty. What does this mean to the consumer? They will have to make a choice. For example they will no longer be able to buy 'Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake' flavour, rather they will have to chose between 'Ben Strawberry' flavour or '& Jerry's Cheesecake'."

Whilst the divide of the icecream colossus is expected to go as smooth as the product that bares their names, some are worried.

"I just don't think the whole thing's been thought out very well," Jerry's mother told us, "I mean what happens with 'Ben & Jerry's Fossil Fuel'? Ben makes ice cream that tastes like fossils and my Jerry makes one that tastes like fuel? Ben's going to be fine with 'Peanut Butter', but who's going to buy ice cream that tastes like a cup? This is what happens when you let hippies start a company."

One source has also told us that both men are 'lawyering up' in preparation for a potential legal minefield regarding the flavour 'pistachio pistachio'. In order to garner support both men have released limited edition flavours, Ben going with 'Copyright Infridgement', and Jerry retorting with 'Custardy Battle'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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