Heard on the Street: Dow Jones flat, Nasdaq hits new high

Funny story written by joespr

Sunday, 30 May 2004


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image for Heard on the Street: Dow Jones flat, Nasdaq hits new high
Scene from the world's livliest market

Investors wait on the sidelines

New York-- In a rare show of sisterly jealousy, Nancy "Nasdaq" Jones got high today and finally said out loud what she had been thinking for months: that her sister's bustline leaved something to be desired. "After all," Nancy sniffed, "Dowie is flat. She's never going to get to go home with anyone tonight with those less-than-appealing tits. No one is going to want to put their money down for dinner, a movie, and a good time with someone with a figure like that."

Dow was less pessimistic. "I have grace and style and I can play with the big boys. Not like Nas who flashes her cleavage to every bubble-head with an idea, and then crashes when she gets too high. You remember it was only back in 2000 that she got so high and then crashed, and then was so depressed for two years. We had to take her to a rehab."

Of course, Nas has her own opinions. "Those old fogies pulled the wool over Dow's eyes. Slam bam thank you mam, and she's laid flat again. At least with my bod, I get a lot of repeat action."

Alan Greenspan, head of the Federal Reserve and Chief American Fianancial Pimp, agreed. "Nasdaq's got the notion, and I've got the motion."

But investors were not heeding Greenspan, Nasdaq or Dow. The smart money is in cash according to a number of reports from money managers. "Things will stay limp until interest rates start to rise," it was noted.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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