Coke and Bush's Baked Bean Recipes Stolen

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Monday, 29 September 2008

image for Coke and Bush's Baked Bean Recipes Stolen
Coke and Bush Baked Beans fall Victim to Terrorism

Following a rash of corporate impropriety reports from the financial sector in recent weeks, the spotlight had been removed from other forms of corporate crime taking place in the food and beverage industry.

Closely guarded secrets for decades, Coca-Cola and Bush's Baked Bean product recipes were both stolen over the weekend of September 19. Choosing not to involve police or issue press releases about the thefts at the time, both companies made arrangements separately to pay ransom in order to reclaim the hand written recipe notes. Production started back up for both companies, and product began shipping to warehouses on Friday September 26th, almost without notice from the public.

By Sunday the 28th, both company customer service lines had become flooded with calls. Reports from Coke customers included comments like; "I didn't expect the new flavor of brown sugar in our Coke, but my kids hated it". Another said, "Where did this smoky aroma come from, are you grilling the cola beans now?" Most comments were similar to; "I want my old Coke back. This new stinky Coke is awful."

Bush's customer service lines had similar negative responses including; "Where did the carbonation come from? now I'm belching and breaking wind at the same time." "What's with the added caffeine? My kids are already hyped up on the sugar, now I've fed them another stimulant? Thanks." "Your dog Duke is a traitor."

While both companies scrambled to stop production with the tainted recipes, a terrorist organization known as "Forced Anarchy by Ruining Taste" (F.A.R.T.), claimed responsibility for the debacle. A masked representative on a newly published Ewe-Tube video said, "We will continue to disrupt American infidel traditions by screwing with their favorite foods! Next month, your pasta sauce will taste like cherry Kool Aid, and the soft center in your chocolate truffles will have an even bigger surprise!"

Coke and Bush company stock fell Monday once Wall Street learned that the product formulas were indeed lost. Company cooks and technicians are hard at work trying to duplicate the original recipes. F.A.R.T. operatives are still at large and police have no clues as to their whereabouts.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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