London - (Conniving Mess): Ex-UK Prime Monster Tony Blair hailed his first official foray into the world of investment banking by brokering the sale of the Northern Crock Bank's sub-prime £2.25 billion mortgage portfolio to his new lords and masters at JP Morgan.
The move brought a gleam to the eyes of the head of the UK's Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency following Fraud Squad confirmation that those assets officially belong to the UK taxpayer and cannot be bartered in any dodgy dealings until the fate of the Crock is resolved in law.
Last year the Treasury pumped £60 billion to save the fraud-riddled institution from ruin after the industry regulator The Financial Service Authority was caught red-handed in a huge civil service pension scam forged on filling up empty annuity coffers through the sale of some £50 billion of stolen assets.
Meanwhile JP Morgan executives were cock-a-hoop about the latest coup which started in 2003 when President Bush appointed the Off-the-Wall Street institution to run the Trade Bank of Iraq in a management scam worth a minimum of $5 billion in fees per annum.
At his home in London Blair said today:
"It's been a roller coaster ride with the Northern Crock business.
"But I'm now confident of having blagged my way out of trouble and am looking forward to getting paid ten grand for three hours work a week, spent mostly in the JP Morgan boardroom bar.
"It's been a great opportunity to be able to contribute to Cherie's fathomless greed for the trappings of public status. She makes Conrad Black's wife Barbara Amiel look like a rank amateur.
"These JP Morgan boys, they sure know how to party. They are at the feeding trough of every global economy sleaze pit and I feel at last like I have come home.
"I look forward to squeezing a good £25 million out of them in the next few years advising them on how to screw over rivals, competitors and anybody who has ever got in my way to the top."
Gorgon Brown has hemorrhoids.
