Performance Enhancing Drugs in the Workplace

Funny story written by Don Davis

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

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Washington Depot, CT (AP) - Concerns that doped employees are exercising an unfair advantage over their co-workers and violating the ideals of teamwork follow the rise in coffee use.

Explains Paris Geller, the author of 'They're not your Friends Anyway', "Performance-enhancing substances have subverted the ideal of teamwork in two distinct ways. First, many workers have abandoned self-restraint in this regard, resulting in an abuse of caffeinated products in an effort to do "whatever it takes" to get the job done. Second, they're alienating their non-coffee drinking co-workers by working exceptionally long hours and surpassing them for promotions and raises while also choosing work over their children's lamely themed birthday parties. Yes, they are now quite successful but they are also now "friendless".

Kelsey Crane, a member of the Goldman-Sachs Leveraged Buyout team in the 1980s, alleges that middle-managers, without his consent, supplied him with unlimited access to free coffee. Crane attributes the breakdown of his immune system and the end of his promising Project Management career to large doses of caffeine. Mary Ann Grant, an Insurance Actuary with the Hartford Group in the 1990s, was given Starbucks Venti Mocha Latte's with "triple shots of caffeine" without her knowledge. In 1998, she testified in a trial against her former employer that the large doses of caffeine "destroyed my body and my mind," and the constant shaking from withdrawal has permanently affected her ability to draw a straight line on an Etch-a-Sketch.

The desire to remain competitive in the workplace goes a long way toward explaining American workers' willingness to use performance-enhancing drugs like a double-shot tall caramel cappuccino. At the beginning of the twenty-first century, high worker productivity is coveted by employers the world over who eagerly recruit new employees to abuse and burn out. Corporations invest millions of dollars to have their products and services outpace their competitors. In this environment, as Kirk Gleason, a reporter with the magazine 'Coffee, Tea, and Energy Drinks', asserts, workers are under a tremendous amount of pressure to perform. Writes Gleason, "As the stakes become higher, so does the number of workers downing large quantities of caffeine in various forms from lattes, energy drinks and even caffeinated oatmeal. Workers are spurred on by the fear of downsizing, outsourcing and not having the largest TV on the block."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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