Tentacle Bank is set to do business on Planet Earth

Written by Purple Girl

Monday, 29 January 2018

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How do 2% interest loans grab you? Tentacle bank's rates seem to be out of this world.

Tentacle Bank of Planet Purplonia is getting ready to bring their business to Earth. New television ads for the bank proclaim, "Tentacle Bank offers loans at 2% APR, savings at 16% interest. How does that grab you?"

Financial experts are a bit puzzled as to how such rates are possible. Elliot Andrews, a financial analyst, says, "Normally, banks pay much less interest than they charge. So either this is a form of predatory marketing, where they start with a loss to run other banks out of business so they can drastically raise the rates after the other banks collapse, or they are somehow operating the banks as a subsidiary of another business."

Such comments and irregularities have the banking regulators on alert. Shirley McGreen of the SEC says, "The rates and the rumors about the rates do seem suspicious, but we cannot seem to find any wrongdoing. There's nothing we can do if they're laundering Purplonian Pods into US banks, for instance; that is outside of our jurisdiction. Our treaty with Purplonia is only financial in nature, and they're not a United Galaxies member planet."

Andrews also predicts that other banks will be in serious trouble. "Since the rates are so tempting, many customers will be moving their bank accounts to Tentacle Bank. The other banks will scramble to attempt mergers, make high-risk investments, and cut every corner they can think of to attempt to compete. When that becomes untenable, there may be serious repercussions. Don't be surprised if the executives at the other banks turn to illegal acts such as drug deals, illegal gambling, and illegal adult entertainment. They might even attempt to sabotage Tentacle banks or try to make them go away by other means, if you catch my drift."

A random prospective customer, Loren Smith, says, "I don't think Tentacle will have any serious problems. Think about it, they're run by alien beings. Who ever hears of humans making aliens disappear? It's more likely to be the other way around. If Bank of Amanda or Wards-Fahrgot executives try something underhanded, I tend to think it will be like in Soylent Green or in How to Serve Man. Either way, I think Tentacle Bank will end up eating the competition, figuratively or otherwise."

Once Tentacle Bank debuts on Earth, one thing is for certain: it will forever alter how banks on Earth do business.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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