'We kicked Donziger's ass good and proper' Chevron tells shareholders meeting

Funny story written by queen mudder

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

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Petroleum Museum exhibit a Chevron rig

Midland, Texas - The world famous Rogues Gallery at Midland's Permain Basin Petroleum Museum got a horrible new addition this week as racketeering New York lawyer Steven Donziger was finally inducted into its corruption rankings.

Acclaimed by the New York Toast's influential That's Rich! List as the official benchmark of Big Oil criminality the Gallery is hosting Donziger's FBI mugshot ahead of reports he's about to be arrested for engineering an audacious Ecuadorian shakedown.

This morning the Museum was hosting a different albeit related event by way of the Chevron AGM from whose stockholders Donziger had labored to embezzle of $9.5 billion.

Hounded by assorted Opus Dei nuts among its own shareholder base the San Ramon-headquartered super major fought back hard since 2001 against the Donziger racket telling its proselytising Jesuit stockholders that 'hell would freeze over' before the scammers got so much as a penny.

"And what a difference a year makes," Chevron CEO John Watson told the packed meeting as it voted overwhelming approval for the company strategy that slimebag naysayers like the Jesuits had lobbied so vociferously against.

Watson then nominated red-hot Gibson Dunn litigator Randy Mastro to the Museum's Hall of Fame for the superb conduct of Chevron's RICO case against Donziger before senior New York District Judge Lewis Kaplan who quashed the outrageous Ecuadorian suit.

"Not only did Randy save us a whole heap of dollars," Watson confided, "but also entirely redrawn the parameters of the RICO racketeering act that let douchebags like Donziger off the hook for so long."

The company's share price has now rocketed to over twenty dollars more than a barrel of sweet light crude, something of a record in the oil industry.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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