Local Businessman Commits Suicide After It Took Him 16 Minutes To Save 14%

Funny story written by Catchthisdrift

Friday, 9 May 2014

image for Local Businessman Commits Suicide After It Took Him 16 Minutes To Save 14%
Pablo the landscaping pool boy was sad.

Bloomington, IL - A Bloomington man was found dead yesterday, apparently the victim of a fatal self-inflicted paper cut.

Lowell D. Ductible, a senior accountant with Smith & Wesson, was found in the family room of his home by his live-in landscaper and swimming pool caretaker, Pablo.

Although Ductible did not leave a suicide note, investigators have pieced together what they believe to be the final moments of his life, leading to what they conclude is the likely cause of his suicide.

Cell phone records indicate that Ductible placed a call to Geico Insurance which lasted 16 minutes. Next to Ductible's body was a notepad on which he'd written several numbers and mathematical calculations. Investigators cross referenced those numbers with Ductible's personal financial information and non-confidential information released by Geico in regards to their conversation with Ductible. That exercise has led investigators to conclude that Ductible had called Geico regarding their advertising slogan "Fifteen minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance."

Ductible spoke with a Geico representative for 16 minutes and learned that while he could indeed save money by switching to Geico, his overall level of savings would be approximately 14%.

Lead investigator Detective Josephine Friday speculated that the combined disappointment was simply too much for Mr. Ductible to take. "Given that the length of the call was over 15 minutes, we think Mr. Ductible would have been fine if he'd learned he could save over fifteen percent. Or, if he'd learned he was going to save only fourteen percent, but the call had taken only, say, twelve minutes. But that deadly combination of more than fifteen minutes and less than fifteen percent. It was too much for him. He look a piece of notebook paper swish swish it was over."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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