Paula Deen Launches 'The Suicide Watch Cookbook'

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Tuesday, 2 July 2013


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Savannah, Georgia -- Ex-celebrity chef Paula Deen has placed another success on the bestseller list. The work is called "The Suicide Watch Cookbook: Dining And Dying."

"A suicide watch can be a tremendous waste of time, if you don't plan ahead," Deen writes in the forward of the book. "Both you and the correctional officer who is keeping guard have better things to do than experimenting with how you're going to arrive at your last breath."

Toward that end, the former cooking queen offers 13 chapters of advice on "easing into a new mode of existence."

"The government is using quantitative easing (QE) to fix the economy," Deen said. "My book offers oxygen easing (OE) to put your mind at rest, for good."

In fact, the Suicide Watch Cookbook offers specific advice to deal with situations typically encountered on Suicide Row.

"Inmates are encouraged to keep their arms and legs inside the cell at all times," Deen said. "And they are urged to remain seated until the system grinds to a complete halt."

A full chapter of the book is devoted to efficient wrist slitting techniques. The section includes a bag of cotton balls and enough surgical tape to stop the gush of blood. "Most rookies go for wrist slitting, then regret it when they see what it does to their shirt," noted Deen.

The food recipes in the book emphasize the need to cook for two. "You don't want a 300 pound guard in your face while you try to enjoy your last filet mignon. Get him a steak of his own, and a glass of beer. You can't have too much beer at these things. Or too much Kool-Aid."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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