Written by Sam Miller

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

EAU CLAIRE, WI- Everyone knows when the season arrives. It may creep upon you unexpectedly but it's presence quickly and aggressively makes itself known.

One knows it's that time of year when a seemingly routine errand is violently interrupted by a tornado of teal tunics; "excuse me sir/ma'am, would you like to buy some cookies?" yep folks, I'm talking of course about Girl Scout cookie season. Like the majority of Americans you are not bothered by this sudden encounter, in fact you are overcome with a delicious sense of excitement.

By the conclusion of this quick encounter you have given a ten year old girl $25 for 5 boxes of sugary biscuits. Every year millions of American consumers participate in the very same act, often repeating the process over and over. Why shouldn't you right? These morsels are incredibly satisfying and in limited quantity. Further sweetening the deal The Girl Scouts of American is a noble organization that's an ideal extracurricular for female youth. However would you still feel the same way about these sweet treats if you suddenly found out there was more to this story? What if you were to be told these young, wide eyed angels were merely the public face for giant multi-national cookie conglomerate? And this corporation used these innocent scouts as glorified child laborers to earn billions of dollars in revenue every year? Too screwed up to be true? Well it is true,so buckle up and prepared to have your world rocked.

This reporter has some whistle to blow.

I was first alerted there was more to my tagalongs than just peanut butter over a Tinder message by Alice Becker,18 of Madison,WI, who is choosing to have her identity remain anonymous. Ms. Becker relayed to me that she had,"been with GSoA for 15 years and was finally sick of the corrupt bullshit."

She first noticed the cookie business wasn't all lanyards and glitter glue on the night of April 14th, 2005 when her mother and assistant troupe leader, Suzanne Becker, made a fateful point of order.

"Why can't our troop afford the trip to the American Girl Doll Museum" assistant troupe leader Suzanne inquired "I mean we made triple our cookie quota this year." She was quickly silenced and told her inquiry would be relayed to "corporate."

The events of the next evening forever shaped young Alice's life. She doesn't quite remember what exactly alerted her to run to her mother's bedroom but what she saw she will never forget.

"There were three large men in teal jump suites and sunglasses, two of them were tying my mother up with rope while the third quickly cloaked her head in a black polyester sack." "I ran and hid under my bed until the next morning, I was petrified and had no clue where to turn."

The next day, attempting to maintain composure, Alice went to school as per usual. Upon her arrival she was quickly escorted to the Principal's office and sitting there with the principal was a thin middle aged blonde women who claimed to be with "the state."

Alice was told that "her mother had romantically ran away their billionaire pool boy Emilio." She was confused and very apprehensive to believe this story because her mother did not speak Spanish, and they did not own a pool. She was then told she would be placed in the care of local Girl Scout Troupe leader Diane Collins.

Rather than probing for answers young Ms. Becker accepted the story given to her. When asked why she was so quickly to accept such a farce Alice replied "when you're nine you listen to adults without question, their the ones that run things." "I realize now that story I was told 100 percent fabricated" the Skinny Blonde women did not work for "the state" she worked for "the scouts." Becker now claims "my mother was disposed of for threatening their business."

While at first Alice Becker's story seemed too far fetched even for myself, someone who has exclusively covered ancient aliens for 25 years, once I began to the run the numbers I realized I had truly uncovered the greatest middle class conspiracy since Watergate.

Think about it people, American's purchase roughly 100 Billion boxes of girl scout cookies annually. At $5 dollars a box that's 500 Billion dollars. With the individual Girl Scout troupes only receiving a microscopic amount from their sales that leaves hundreds of billions of dollars profit unaccounted for, it's got to go somewhere. Plus, no one from Girl Scouts of American agreed to be interviewed, and that always means their guilty. I think once again hard-hitting investigatory journalism prevails over evil capitalism and corporate greed. So next time you shell out some cash for that box of thin mints remember who exactly is profiting from that transaction, and then remind me.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: business

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
78 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more