Comcast Announces Merger With NSA

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Sunday, 16 February 2014

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Comcast, the largest cable company and home Internet service provider in the U.S., with assets of over $4 Trillion, announced today that it is merging with the National Security Agency.

Having just merged with Time Warner Cable in an equity swap deal worth $45.2 Billion the announcement comes as a bit of a surprise.

"It is a brilliant move that they're doing it on the heels of the other merger," said Richard Cummings of the Wall Street Journal.

"The House Subcommittee that oversees the merger between Comcast and Time Warner - because it supervises the FTC -will definitely approve it now," he said.

Cummings went on to explain that the NSA has had all U.S. Congresspeople under surveillance for several years and ". . .knows what they have for breakfast and what their favorite fetishes are. I wouldn't call it potential Comcast blackmail but I just don't know another term for it."

Since taking control of Time-Warner would enable Comcast to control 75% of the cable industry in the U.S. approval of the merger was slightly in doubt.

This is because Comcast's campaign donations to some committee members might not have been quite high enough to "buy their votes," according to Wall Street's Cummings.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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