Written by Chief Cheese

Sunday, 24 June 2012

image for Mitt Romney's plan to fix European debt crisis is 'on the table'
Mitt is sharpening his pencil, making sure it has an eraser

Mitt Romney, speaking in front of the National Society for Effective Consumerism last Sunday, outlined his plan for a U.S. response to the European debt crisis.

"I mean really, dealing with this debt issue in Europe would be a piece of cake," said Romney. "I'd take care of this at my first G8 meeting.

"I'd put together a syndicate of rich countries, say the U.S. of course, Germany, France, maybe China. We'd buy up outstanding debt owned by these little teapot countries, you know, like Greece, umm, Italy, Spain and what not. They'd be taking a haircut, obviously. We'd take control of their governments as part of the deal.

"Once my people are running these countries, we'd be looking for efficiencies going forward. What parts of these countries work well, and which are redundant, for example. I mean, does Greece really need an army, when Italy has one in place? Most likely divisions like the Greek army would be sold off.

"Taking the best of each country, selling off the rest on the open market, will make that country run better and cheaper. Additionally, it may be that there are too many people in Greece, and too few in Spain, so some thousands or millions of people may need to move, to balance things out. We'll need to ask and answer tough questions-like which country needs more cheesemakers? More shepherds? Do we have enough wine-makers? Strategically we need to be ready to put the right people in the right places, and to get rid of those that don't fit.

"Finally, with a high-level re-organization, it may be that only one government is needed for the territories once known as Spain and Greece. By combining them under one government we clearly save money on the bureaucratic layers. Redundancies will be eliminated, naturally. That makes for a more efficient organization going forward.

"Once these new policies are put in place, the syndicate will be able to sell those bonds that were bought initially. I mean, whereas there were 4 or 5 countries before, there might be just 2 or 3 now; we'll be making a healthy profit on that paper, I can assure you. Having put this deal together, I'll be taking some fees, but probably like, you know, a couple of points, maybe like 50 or 60 million. Probably in Euros, by the way."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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